Amy Billington

Fueled by coffee and a passion for helping families living with food allergies.

Tag: anxiety

On The Wings of Anxiety

Wow. Nothing like realizing what a fucked up mess you really are. In September I committed to attending the Food Allergy Bloggers Conference in Denver. Keep in mind, I haven’t flown since 2013 due to in large part to managing my son’s peanut allergy at 20000 feet. So here I am in the air thinking back on the last 12  hours.

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I Depend On You, You Depend On Me, You’re My Sweet Boy

Last week I was getting my hair done when the hair stylist said something profound. She said, “Wow, he’s depended on you his whole life to keep him safe. That’s going to be a big adjustment now that he won’t have to worry about peanuts.

I had never actually thought about it, but she was entirely correct. Even if my husband or mom, neighbor or teacher read a label, my son always asked if his mommy had read it and made sure it was ok. He double checked with me before eating anything new I brought into the house. He won’t touch a thing at a restaurant without asking me if I have made sure it was safe first. I’ve been his lifeline.
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Sacrifices for Now

After having been here for a month, my husband came for a weekend visit and that visit was followed up within days by my parents. We explored Park City together and they gave me a little reprieve from being the sole care provider for a few hours. When it came time to go, my parents decided my mom would stay on another two weeks. It was great having another adult around! We pushed updosing back by one day when my son wasn’t feeling quite well, but other than that, we have plodded along (thankfully!) without major event. Our time has been filled with pumpkin painting, pumpkin patch visiting, homeschool, and trips to the library.
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Coasting

What do you do when everything is going smoothly? You relax, but stay aware. You revel in your peacefulness while knowing it can change and even if it does, it really will be ok. Tomorrow, my husband visits for three days. It will be the first time we have seen him since August and we won’t see him again until mid-November. While he has been away working, we carry on with our new normal.

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Mind Games

Some days, this whole deal is one giant game, messing with my head. With the exception of our first real reaction, which ended up being a positive, and one trip to the grocery store, this week was pretty awesome. It was the kind of week I had expected, unlike the week prior where we were all sick. Last night, in fact, I did something rare. I went out. I trusted a babysitter with my kids (by “trusted” I mean that she was someone used by a friend of mine whose children also have food allergies and I spent the entire night texting the sitter, to the point where she began copy and pasting, “yep, they’re doing great.”) and went out for a friend’s birthday. Until 2:30 am.  Truly, I am too old for that, evidenced by my all day recovery process.

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Mommy Insomnia

While we wait to get an offer on the house I have started the process of purging clothes that don’t fit and knick knacks I don’t need. I’ve been mentally prepping to spend weeks at a time away from my husband and being the sole care provider for my kids 24/7 for six months, miles and miles away from anyone we know.  My heart tells me we will have a blast, staying up late, enjoying four seasons and making memories all while securing a safer, less stressful future for my son. My head keeps me up at night.

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© 2019 Amy Billington